When a child is unhappy at school, parents should first talk with them, find out the cause, and then look for solutions together with the school. Often the situation can be improved significantly through open communication, targeted support, and small changes in everyday school life. In some cases, however, changing schools can also be the right step, especially when the cause is structural and other measures have been exhausted.
This article answers the most important questions that concern parents in this situation.
Which Signs Show That a Child Is Not Doing Well at School?
A child who is suffering at school often shows physical or emotional warning signs. These signals should be taken seriously, even if they seem nonspecific at first:
- Recurring stomachaches or headaches before school
- Trouble sleeping
- Irritability
- Withdrawal from the family
- A loss of interest in things they used to enjoy
Sometimes the signs are more subtle. The child no longer talks about school, does not bring friends home, or suddenly shows noticeably poorer academic performance. A striking change in mood after school – from cheerful to withdrawn – can also be an indication. Parents know their child best and should watch for changes in behavior that persist over a longer period.
What Are the Most Common Causes of Unhappiness at School?
The most common reasons children are unhappy at school include:
- Social conflicts such as bullying or exclusion
- Academic pressure
- Teaching that is not adapted to individual learning needs
- A poor relationship with individual teachers
- Transition phases such as a change of school or moving up to a new grade level, which can be a temporary burden
Social difficulties are particularly often at the forefront for children and teenagers. Exclusion from the class community or ongoing conflicts with classmates can severely affect their well-being.
Being overchallenged or underchallenged academically also plays a major role: Children who permanently cannot keep up or do not feel sufficiently challenged lose motivation and develop a negative attitude toward school. In some cases, the cause may also be an undiagnosed learning disability or special educational needs.
How Should Parents Approach the Conversation With Their Child?
Parents should approach the conversation in a calm, pressure-free atmosphere without questioning the child directly or backing them into a corner. A good way to start is to openly mention your own observations, for example: “I’ve noticed that you often have a stomachache in the morning. Would you like to tell me how things are going at school?” Listening is more important than offering solutions right away.
Children often open up more easily in relaxed situations, such as on a walk together, while cooking, or in the car. Asking directly at the dinner table, on the other hand, can create pressure.
Which Phrases Help – and Which Shut Down Communication?
It is important not to interrupt the child and to take their feelings seriously, even if the situation seems minor from the outside. Statements like “It’ll be fine” or “Don’t make such a fuss” signal to the child that their worries are not being heard and shut down communication. Instead, phrases like “That sounds really hard” or “I’m glad you told me” help.
When and How Should Parents Talk to the School?
Parents should talk to the school as soon as a problem has persisted for two to three weeks and does not resolve itself, or if the child describes specific incidents such as bullying or unfair treatment. The earlier the conversation takes place, the easier it is to find solutions.
The first point of contact is usually the homeroom teacher. Parents should conduct the conversation in a factual, solution-oriented way without sounding accusatory. It helps to describe specific observations and examples rather than making general accusations; phrases such as “My child tells me that…” or “We notice at home that…” signal a willingness to talk rather than confrontation.
If the conversation with the teacher does not bring any improvement, it is legitimate to involve the school leadership or a counselor. Well-run schools have clear structures for such situations and take students’ well-being seriously.
When Is Changing Schools the Right Decision?
Changing schools makes sense when all other measures have been exhausted, the cause of the problem is structural, and the child continues to suffer despite support. Changing schools should not be a hasty reaction, but in certain situations it can be the decisive fresh start.
Specific situations in which a change of school should be seriously considered include:
- Ongoing bullying that the school does not effectively stop
- A curriculum or teaching style that permanently does not match the child’s learning needs
- A lack of individual support for special needs
- A school culture that does not match the family’s values and expectations
- Severe academic underchallenge or overchallenge that cannot be remedied
How Should Parents Involve Their Child in a Change of School?
When changing schools, it is important to actively involve the child. Children who help choose the new school and understand why the switch is happening start their new school life much more positively.
Parents should also be realistic: Changing schools does not automatically solve structural problems such as a learning disability or social anxiety, but it can create the environment needed to address them better.
How Can School Become a Positive Place Again in the Long Term?
In the long term, school becomes a positive place again when children develop the feeling that they belong, that their achievements are seen, and that mistakes are part of learning. This takes time, the right conditions, and the active support of parents and school working together.
Parents can contribute by actively recognizing academic successes, even small ones, and by modeling a positive attitude toward school. Children sense when parents view school negatively in general and easily adopt this attitude. At the same time, it helps to encourage extracurricular activities in which the child can experience their strengths and build friendships.
On the school’s side, regular communication, individual support, and an appreciative school culture are crucial. Schools that see students as individuals and respond early to learning gaps or social difficulties lay the foundation for school to be experienced as a safe and motivating place.
How Does ISR International School on the Rhine Support Students’ Well-Being at School?
We know that well-being at school is the foundation for real learning success. That is why, at ISR International School on the Rhine in Neuss, near Düsseldorf, Germany, we have created a school environment in which children are individually guided, supported, and seen as individuals. This is reflected in concrete structures that we live every day, and you can learn more about why families choose ISR:
- Individual learning support: Weekly progress checks help us identify learning gaps early and take targeted action before frustration sets in.
- Small, international community: With around 1,200 students from 60 nations, we foster a close, respectful community that counteracts exclusion and anonymity.
- Professional counseling: Three full-time University and Career Counselors support our students – not only with planning their studies but also during important phases of orientation.
- Close communication with parents: We place great importance on transparent, open communication with parents so that problems can be tackled together early on.
- Structured, recognized curriculum: From kindergarten to the International Baccalaureate (IB), we offer a clear, internationally oriented education that supports and motivates children.
- ISR Wellbeing Department: With our Wellbeing Department, we create a place of trust where students are heard, understood, and supported. Three Wellbeing Counselors stand by our students at ISR and support them with personal challenges, academic pressure, or social issues. Our goal is to strengthen every child in their emotional development and help them feel safe, seen, and at home at ISR.
If you are wondering whether changing schools could be the right step for your child, we warmly invite you to get to know us. Attend one of the ISR Info Days and experience our school community in person.
